Wavering

2024 will be stamped in (my) history as a complete fiasco.

It started out with a bang - a nightmarish 17 hour trip to see family was comedy gold that included mystery rashes, cleaning vomit out of the car, and spilling gas all over my shoes at a late night pit stop. A day and a half after we'd arrived, I was packing the car to go home. Tears still wet on their cheeks as we hit the road, a bumblebee danced in the back window to the blood-curdling screams of my children.

Another 15 hours in the car, I was two hours from home, flying through Des Moines in the dark at rush hour when I missed my exit and my GPS rerouted the rest of the trip down country roads. The cherry on top was and old county sheriff who pulled me over ten minutes before I got home for going 7 miles over the speed limit. Little did I know, this would perfectly capture how the rest of the year would unfold.

Without fail something was always going wrong. Or was just, hard. We moved. Our new house flooded while Jon was out of town. We flooded again when one of the girls failed to clear off the shower drain on one of her 45 minute shower sessions.

Some of our mishaps were self-inflicted, but other things were completely out of our control. Big things, small things, dumb things... over and over, and over.

I've been a Jesus follower my whole life. Steady. Faithful. Unwavering. But by August, weary and confused, I found myself unsteady and asking questions.

Questions like, Why would God let this happen? Doesn't He see how hard this is? Will He intervene? Do I still believe all the promises of God?

Messy Theology

I struggled to reconcile the reality of my everyday life with the ideas I believed about who God was and how I thought he was supposed to interact with the world.

Ideas like, God hears our prayers and answers them. "Ask anything in my name," right??Except he wasn't answering

Or, God is always working for the good of those who love him... except it didn't feel like anything was working out for my good.

Or that God is a God of justice and righteousness... but in this season life felt unjust - not just for me personally, but also the world around us.

I wanted answers to my prayers, and instead I got more confusion; ironically, it was really tempting to blame God for this.

I wanted to say, "I'm doing what you told me to do! I'm obedient. I'm kind. Compassionate. Diligent. I'm loving my neighbor. I've surrendered my whole life to your service. What gives?"

It was tempting to throw all the promises of Scripture back at God and accuse him of not following through.

It was tempting to question everything I believe. If God wouldn't answer when I really needed him, when my heart was hurting, then what was the point?

Have you ever felt that way?

It's Not So Black And White

Life is complicated. We want it to be simple, to make sense. We want to know x+y=z, that all our hard work and good deeds will pay off. We want to believe if we do this, we will receive that.

I wish it was that simple.

My go-to question when things go wrong or life feels complicated has always been:"God, what are you teaching me through this?"

I ask this question because if I focus inward and up, I can find something useful out of even the toughest of circumstances.

As I wrestled, prayed, searched Scripture, quieted my heart, I found myself drawing a line in the sand:

Either God is who he says he is, or he's not.

Either I am following the God who is the Comforter, the Provider, the Creator who knows me intimately, the Sovereign Lord of the universe who puts breath in my lungs and has seen every day that ever has been and ever will be, or I'm not.

So I asked a new question. Instead of, "What are you teaching me?" I started asking "Who are You?"

I had to remember that I can't even begin to understand God, or what his plans are.

And yet, He invites me to get to know him.

I had to remember He created us and invites us into relationship with him.

The Shift

Everything shifted when I shifted my gaze - off of me and onto him.

Off of my problems, off the comedy (dramedy?) that was my life.

Off my feelings, hopes, dreams, plans...

Please, don't misread what I'm saying. Our feelings, hopes, dreams are important, and not something to be ignored or dismissed. God gave them to us and wants us to experience the fullness of life - this includes our emotions and desires.

In this season though, I needed to keep my eyes above the fray. Focusing on my problems was only intensifying the spirals of anxiety and the impending feelings of defeat, depression, self-loathing, and playing the victim.

My prayer became, "Help me to understand You better. Show me your nature and character."

He did.

He didn't shame me for my questions, or ridicule me for my anxieties. He gave me a new perspective.

Because of this simple shift in prayer, whispered throughout each day, the storm that was my heart calmed. My prayers became more intimate and instead of feeling far-off and uninvolved, God the Comforter gave me hope, and God the Sustainer gave me peace. I pray he does the same for you.